Lately, I have realized something about myself that quite frankly, I hate. Spiritually speaking, I have multiple personality disorder. I bow at the altar of man rather than God. In some situations I seek to be liked, avoid conflict, or even division that could be caused by sharing the gospel. At times, I adjust my attitude or demeanor to conform to my surroundings. The Lord has kindly allowed me to see my inconsistency as a follower of Christ.
We all have different “spheres” of influence. For instance, we may have friends from church and others in school. We have co-workers and those in authority over us. We all have some kind of family, immediate and extended. We also all encounter strangers on a daily basis when shopping for groceries or living daily life. In a way, we put on many different “hats” in just one week. With that, we may also change our personality depending on who we are with. To some extent, this should be expected. I mean, it wouldn’t be appropriate to walk into a college class and treat your professor like one of your buddies. Nor would it be normal to relate to a child the same way you would an adult. God has certainly given individuals different personalities and circumstances for His own glory. While it is normal for some to enjoy humor and others to enjoy stimulating conversation; we should hope that our goal in all of these relationships is the same. Paul outlined his goal in his letter to the Corinthians.
“For I determined not to know anything among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified” (1 Corinthians 2:2).
I asked myself if everyone I come in contact with on a regular basis would be able to say this about me. Quite honestly, the answer is no. By God’s grace, I have many good friends, fellow church members and some family who might claim this about my character, but I can also quickly think of many who wouldn’t. I am not consistent in my walk with the Lord. There are some especially in my own extended family that I do not communicate my passion for Christ with. I honestly can say that I almost have a completely different personality around them. I abide by “unspoken rules” of what should and shouldn’t be discussed. While some of them claim to be believers, we never talk about the things of the Lord and I don’t challenge their profession as I don’t want to be uncomfortable. Meanwhile, when speaking with others, I can’t stop talking about everything the Lord is doing! The fear of man, rather than the fear of God rules my life in these relationships. I’m essentially picking and choosing who I want to speak to about the Lord. I’m choosing the price I want to pay to be a disciple rather than truly submitting my life to His service.
Paul asks in a different letter:
“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10)
Ouch.
I had a dear friend give me a sweet compliment not too long ago. She said she can truly see my passion for people to know and love Christ. While this was an incredibly kind and encouraging thing to say, for some reason I was immediately convicted. I thought, if only she knew how I behave around my own family. Would my children say that my strongest desire is for them to know and love Christ? Would my extended family say that? Do they see me actively loving other people or constantly complaining? All I know is the personality she frequently sees isn’t the same one that everyone sees. Why do I give my own dear family the worst of me? Am I only being the “godly,” Jenna when I’m around others for their approval? Do I only serve Christ when it benefits me?
I’ve been challenged by Paul’s words. If I am truly going to live my life as a disciple of Christ, I must seek to honor Him and make Him known consistently, in all of my relationships, not just the ones that are comfortable. No, I can’t force people to be saved. However, I also can’t go to bed with the knowledge that people I see pretty regularly are going to Hell without giving them any warning or call to turn to Christ. How much can I possibly hate someone not to warn them of such suffering?
Regarding my own children that I see constantly, I’ve been reminded that its my ultimate goal to tell them about and show them Christ. They shouldn’t receive my worst; they should receive my best. No, no one is watching me on a daily basis to praise my parenting. But that should never be our motivation for serving the Lord where He has placed us. I’m thankful that by His grace, He has helped me to realize this and begin striving for godliness in my own home, where no one else sees. Seeking to honor Him in my communication with my husband and my children is my first priority. In the past few weeks I’ve already begun to see the fruit of patient discipline and gospel conversations. It has been a beautiful thing.
I’m praying that God will continue to give me the boldness and perseverance needed to live a life that is consistent with the gospel- to strive to make Him known regardless of the consequences. O Lord, please help us all be able to say with Paul that we have determined to know nothing except Christ and Him crucified in ALL of our relationships.
