Parenting sure has it’s share of challenges. If you have been blessed with multiple children, you’ve likely also had to deal with multiple sin issues, multiple times a day, sometimes all at once! Don’t forget about your own sin that often emerges when dealing with everyone else’s sin issues. Humbly, I have to admit one of my most humiliating moments was when all of my children were yelling, and then I responded by yelling at them, “stop screaming!” Yea. Nothing like a mirror to humble me.
One habitual issue I’ve had to seek wisdom about is that of one sibling seeking continual control over another. It goes something like this.
“Where are you going? You can’t have that.”
“You aren’t allowed to take the purple cup. Get the blue one.”
“What are you doing? Did Mom say you could do that?”
“Are you allowed to eat that? You didn’t eat your lunch.”
“Did you do all of your schoolwork?”
This particular sibling has at many times actually followed the other sibling around the house to monitor many of his steps. In response, he has often gotten very angry or even discouraged. Imagine someone who sees it as his personal assignment to constantly point out your flaws. He treats you like a child by preventing you from doing basic tasks on your own or reminding you how you constantly fall short of the “better” way to accomplish the task. These rules being imposed by the sibling are not household rules that I have made as the parent. No, these are extra rules or standards imposed by the sibling. What is the driving motivation behind such behavior?
Luke 18 provides us with an open door to the heart of such a person. Perhaps you have heard of the parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector. The Pharisee, or religious person of the day, thanked God that he wasn’t like others. The tax collector, on the other hand, begged for mercy. Let’s rewind to verse 9 though. It states, “He [Jesus] spoke this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and despised others” (NKJV; emphasis added). Pharisees certainly trusted in themselves. As a result, they despised others. They even added to the law of God in order to make their righteousness appear better before men.
Do you know someone who is controlling or overbearing? Christ exposes some of her belief system here. This person is self-righteous. Sure, it’s possible she is a genuine Christian who agrees with the gospel. But when it comes to theology applied, she lives as though she has been accepted by God based on gospel plus works. Surely, God is pleased with all of her religious behavior, excellence in school and the way she continually excels among her peers, right?
Wrong. God hates a prideful heart. Proverbs 8:13 states, “pride and arrogance and the way of evil and perverted speech I hate”(ESV; emphasis added). That’s pretty strong language. Pride is the worship of self. Pride thinks all things are a show of one. Pride seeks glory for himself, rather than God. This person believes she can do all things better than others.
Those who seek to control others or their circumstances truly have put full trust in themselves rather than the Lord. At the root, these people do not trust that God will govern the affairs of their life in the best possible way. They do not trust His goodness, His care, His sovereignty, etc. Or perhaps, they don’t truly want what God wants. Those who seek control very much idolize comfort and ease. They want heaven now. Therefore, they decide to take control of whatever they can.
Control is an illusion though. When I meet with a counselee who desires control, I usually ask her, “Are you in control? What kinds of things in your life are you controlling right now? Who do you think gave you the ability to do those things? Can’t He take it away?” By God’s grace, it doesn’t take long for them to realize that seeking control is nothing more than chasing the wind. Not only that, it’s a foolish attempt to dethrone God. Remember what Scripture teaches about our all-powerful God.
He is sovereign over all creation. “I form the light and I create darkness; I make well-being and create calamity; I am the Lord, who does all these things” (Isa. 45:7 ESV).
He is sovereign over the decisions of those around us, even those who are in authority over us. “The king’s heart is a stream of water in the hand of the Lord; He turns it wherever He will” (Prov. 21:1 ESV).
He is even sovereign over the evil that tries to overtake us. When speaking to Satan in the book of Job, God said, “Behold, all that he has is in your hand. Only against him do not stretch out your hand” (Job 1:12 ESV).
Here are some helpful questions you could ask (in the right moment), to probe the heart of a controlling person.
*Do you realize that you are attempting to control all of your sibling’s moves and decisions?
*Did God only gift YOU for His glory, or do you believe that He also gifted others? The Church is referred to as the body of Christ (See 1 Corinthians 12).
*Are you saying you know how to sustain the world more than the One who made it? Are you a better CEO? “Woe to him who strives with him who formed him, a pot among earthen pots! Does the clay say to him who forms it, ‘What are you making?’ or ‘Your work has no handles?” (Isa. 45:9 ESV).
*What happens if things don’t go your way? What if something does go wrong? Can you still honor God? Is God still sovereign over that?
*What responsibility did God give you toward this person? I’ve often had to remind this certain child that God didn’t give him the role of parenting his sibling. That is my job. I then ask, “What is your role? Encourage one another and build each other up (1 Thes. 5:11). Love each other with brotherly affection (Rom. 12:10).
Yes, there are times to confront sin or times to genuinely warn a brother when he is about to make an unwise decision (Matt. 18:15; Gal 6:1). However, nowhere are we told to intervene in daily decision making or tear others down if they perform certain tasks differently than we prefer.
*Who’s glory are you seeking as you control your sibling’s behavior?
*What do you fear will happen if you let him make decisions on his own? This will hopefully encourage deeper introspection. Perhaps, she is afraid she won’t get her way. Perhaps she is afraid that she will be uncomfortable if things are done differently. Perhaps she is scared that the attention will be taken away from her and onto the other sibling if he actually succeeds. Most of all, the one who controls is seeking to prevent absolutely anything bad from happening, which we know will not happen on this side of heaven. Help her to understand that when God ordains a trial, it is for our good and He is very purposeful in them.
To the one who struggles with this type of control, she needs to spend great time meditating on the sovereignty and goodness of God. She also needs to practice encouraging and even serving her sibling rather than tearing her down. Have her make a practical list each day of ways she can serve her sibling. By God’s grace, she can give up her own worldly kingdom and rest in God’s sovereign control.
