As a domestic abuse counselor, I’m frequently asked by pastors, elders, advocates, and friends—”How can I best help her?” Depending on who is asking, my answer may vary, as each person plays a significant and unique role in helping a victim of domestic violence. While it is certainly of utmost importance to secure the safety of the victim, the day-to-day interactions also require much wisdom. One simple, but incredibly impactful contribution you can make is this: call her by her name.
Yes, you heard that right. Many victims of domestic violence have gone months, even years, without being called by their own name. They are regularly called by insulting, derogatory or even explicit nicknames. Some of these nicknames are insulting, such as “stupid,” “idiot,” or “bipolar.” Other women are called names that refer to their body parts, often in an degrading manner. As a result, they are being continually reminded that they do not measure up. Unfortunately, women begin to believe this is their true identity.
What God says about a Christian woman begins to fade into the darkness. She does not see herself as blessed, chosen, redeemed, beloved, etc. (Eph. 1). She likely won’t believe you when you tell her that Christ wants to “see [her] face” or “hear [her] voice” (Song of Sol. 2:14). She will struggle to believe that God wants her to come in order to receive rest (Matt. 11:28). Even if you are met with unbelief and resistance, I encourage you to patiently teach her a Christian’s true identity if she is in fact “in Christ.”
After years of insults, she unfortunately has started to believe the lies about her. She isn’t smart enough to work, participate in a ministry, or even make decisions on her own. Her body is never going to measure up to other women. She is sub-par, but still told that is all she is useful for. Her husband is not asking what he can do to build up his wife. He is consistently asking how she can improve his own. Often, insults are used as way to maintain power over a victim. She begins to believe she is so useless and worthless that she needs her husband in order to survive.
Being under the weight of such cutting words will certainly weigh her down. Proverbs 12:18 warns that “rash words are like sword thrusts.” Proverbs continues by stating that “death and life are in the power of the tongue.” Words carry a lot of power. Furthermore, there is much significance in Scripture to one’s name. They frequently described the character of a person. Christ changed Simon’s name to Peter, meaning rock, symbolizing that Christ would use him to build his church.
So, what is a simple way you can help this dear woman? Intentionally call her by her name in your interactions. I’ve spoken with victims who express the deep impact of hearing their actual name. It causes one’s heart to melt to finally receive compassion. They start to believe others do see that I am a person made in the image of God. More importantly, I love to share with these dear ladies that God Himself calls them by name.
Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. (Isa. 43:1; emphasis added)
He sees them. He delights in them (Zeph. 3:17). He cherishes them. He calls them by name to come and fellowship with Him. He stands ready to “[heal] the brokenhearted and [bind] up their wounds” (Ps. 147:3). What a good God.
