In counseling many women, I’ve noticed a glaringly common theme: wives are attempting to please their husbands at all costs. There is no doubt that pleasing your husband is a part of your commitment to the covenant of marriage. Paul acknowledges this when he is actually highlighting one of the benefits of remaining single. He states, “the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband” (1 Cor 7:34). He states the same thing about a husband. In a loving relationship, it goes without saying that you will look for ways to bless your spouse. For some wives, this may be more difficult than others given the spiritual condition and attitude of their spouse.
How are we to please our husbands? Is it by giving them everything they desire or ask for? What if their desires are sinful or harmful to them and/or you? When Paul is speaking to the Romans, he warns them to “make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires” (Rom. 13:14). Certainly, in a Christian marriage, we do not want to make provision for our own flesh or the flesh (sinful desires) of our spouse. Pleasing your husband doesn’t mean helping him to sin.
For instance, maybe you are married to a man who drinks in excess. He asks you to pick up more alcohol on the way home. Well, it would certainly please him if you did, right? But is that the loving thing to do? Romans 15:2 qualifies this by telling us to “please his neighbor for his good, to build him up.” Are his requests ultimately for his good?
Perhaps a less extreme example would be if your husband asked you to skip church to lay in bed and watch movies with him. He’s had a difficult work week and doesn’t want to socialize today. The loving response to such a request would be to respectfully decline and urge him not to neglect the gathering of the saints (Heb 10:25). If he refuses, tell him you are saddened by his decision, and take the kids to church. Obviously, if this becomes a habit, there would be further recourse for the good of his soul (Matt. 18:15–20).
Sadly, the most common scenario I run into is pertaining to abusive situations. Women are walking on eggshells attempting to keep their husbands happy. Primarily, I always act to ensure they are in a safe place. When it comes to counseling, I point out that no matter what they do, they can never fully please their husband. His anger is a reflection of his own heart (Mark 7:14–23), not a reflection of hers.
Psalm 109:4–5 states, “In return for my love they accuse me, but I give myself to prayer. So they reward me evil for good, and hatred for my love.”
A wife should not primarily be motivated to please her husband in order to get him to love her. First of all, this is idolatry. We are commanded to love the Lord God above all else. Jesus warns, “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife [and husband]…even his own life, he cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:26 emphasis added). Christ isn’t actually telling us to hate others. He is pointing out that our first and preferred affection should always be directed to Christ, even before your spouse. If you love your husband more than Christ, you are not only committing idolatry, you aren’t loving your husband well. Your motives are likely selfish and not aimed at what is best for his soul.
Preferring your husband above Christ will result in a life devoted to keeping him happy. Make sure laundry is always folded. Greet him each day with a hug and a kiss. Never confront him. Never sit down. Believe it or not, I have counseled wives whose husbands have stated they never want to come home to their wife sitting down. If he is busy working, she should be as well.
Obviously, there is a great desire for control dominating the heart of the husband. Should the wife continue to cater to his flesh by bowing down to these authoritarian commands? No. I believe to do so is to make him God in her life. It’s certainly not helpful for his soul to continue on such a trajectory, especially if he professes to follow Christ. In many cases, these wives are actually covering evil, which God forbids (1 Pet. 2:16).
I say this with great trepidation. If you are one who falls into the category of being unsafe with an extremely angry husband, do not confront him without first being in a safe place and seeking counsel. Proverbs warns “whoever corrects a scoffer gets himself abuse, and he who reproves a wicked man incurs injury” (Prov. 9:7–8). Alert your church authorities to what is going on in your home. Find a biblical counselor that is knowledgeable in abuse. If necessary, contact the police. Taking biblical steps in wisdom is already a step in the right direction of loving his soul rather than catering to his flesh.
For those of you not living in an oppressive home, you still must battle the temptation to make your husband your god. Love him because God tells you to and because that is a love offering ultimately to the Lord. Do not love him with the primary motive of expecting love in return (Luke 6:35). I’ve met so many wives who are living to earn their husband’s affection. Of course a husband should love his wife just as Christ loves the church. The reality is that many husbands fall short, just as wives do. Marriage was never intended to satisfy your soul; it is to point to the ultimate marriage that is all satisfying. Precious Christ is our Living Water. Go to Him for satisfaction and let your love for your husband pour from that intimacy. Truly, the best way to please your husband is to seek to please God first.
